infrastructure for failure

Mon, 17 May 2004 01:14:59 GMT

ah, before i abandoned this infamous livejournal, i request all of you to do this one thing for me:

post a memory of me in my comments. it can be anything you want. then, post this in your journal and see what people remember of you.

so, definitely comment.

Sun, 16 May 2004 21:00:39 GMT

so, i'm going to desert this livejournal. i treasure all the good memories, but the bad and sour ones disease me, so i'm running away.

i'm keeping the new livejournal "friends only", so if i haven't added you and you'd like to be added, speak up now.

Sun, 16 May 2004 06:34:52 GMT

i doubt i have informally introduced my cousin on here, so here it goes:

yes, she's quite an eye-catcher. her name is aidee and she's seventeen. we're actually eleven months apart, but it doesn't appear like it since i'm an ogre compared to her petite stature: she's 5'2" and weighs nearly 100 lbs, ha. anyway, most of her time is spent involved in some sort of activity or another within the community, like softball, fundraisers, or the church choir to name a few. she has a beautiful voice, which explains her participation in the choir. she's an extremely sociable person and is popular in the sense that she's well known and liked for her friendliness and generosity.

so, yeah, she's raddd.

Sun, 16 May 2004 01:06:47 GMT

ah, yes, big, fat mexican barbeque's are always fun: las carnitas, the beer, the laughter full of warmth and conversation. as soon as my relatives arrive, the excitement shall commence.

too bad i don't have an appetite for food, ha. not this chunky nuts today, ohhh, nooo!

Sat, 15 May 2004 21:46:26 GMT

"being your wall"

pull your arms up around your knees
and hide out inside your room
pretend you can't feel at all

just realize that i know how you feel now

if all i am is distraction for you
then i can't complain that you can't feel something for me
take all you can find in me

can you think back to when things worked
when dreams were the days you lived
when you never cried alone

just realize that i know how you feel now

if all i am is just distraction for you
then i can't complain that you can't feel something for me
take all you can find in me

i know how you feel now

if all i am is just distraction for you
then i can't complain that you can't feel something for me
take all you can find in me ...

sweet armor for sleep, my lullaby last night, although not the best song to hear when you're avoiding tears. they're playing at the boardwalk sometime in june or july, i think. i'll withold my tears till then and just cry out my heart there, ahhh, ahhh ... um, ahhh!

oh, quick poll: who all will be attending the stretch arm strong show this month?

Sat, 15 May 2004 21:33:00 GMT

okay, the doctor's visit today wasn't bad at all. it was relieving to see the waiting room empty. i was given some samples for my allergies called "zyrtec", which i believe ought to work much better than allegra. also, my blood pressure was low, which is a rarity, but i can attribute it to my newly acquired non-eating habits. hey, i guess i'm just dying a torturous death these days!

anyway, i visited my cousin today, which was fun. her boyfriend bought her a rad nextel, so now we can walkie-talkie at all hours, day and night! what a sweetheart he is, eh? my dad bought one two weeks ago and has another one for work, but i think i have a growing infatuation for them now. besides the unlimited weekend minutes for the cell and also unlimited walkie-talkie time, it also has a coast-to-coast feature, so i can easily communicate with anybody hidden in a deep, cavernous cell in new york or somethin'. recluses, unite!

i've been discussing my lesbianism plan with sal and melinda, and i'm getting positive feedback, ha. i think i may give the girls a whirl, i mean, i may as well considering my pathetic trend with boys. i'm sure girls are more understanding and affectionate, right? it may be difficult to find myself a moderately decent one around this area, but that's where myspace comes in! oh, there are plenty of hot ones there, it's all just a matter offf ... getting this experiment going, ha. anybody willing to help me out?

i think it's time for me to get mess-ay with my pastels now. yesss, and perhaps i'll have an avid group of spectators within preschool range admiring my "indecent" content, ha.

by the way, sorry i didn't take you with me, sal. you sure missed one hell of a sexy sandra today, bwahahaha ...

Sat, 15 May 2004 05:40:36 GMT

how irresistible, but earlier in the afternoon as i was working on my pastel series, a trio of little neighborhood girls were curious and eager to watch, so they all sat down outside my front yard as i grudgingly worked away on my nudes, ha. melinda saw this classic moment take place, so she can attest at how grossly adorable it was.

anyway, tomorrow i have a doctor's appointment at ten. it's so damn early for a saturday, but i hope to have new allergy medication prescribed 'cause the one i've been using sure ain't workin' much. next, i'll probably surprise my mom to a visit to the bank: i had an overdraft of 20 dollars last month, dismissed it, and now have a total of $53 due in late overdraft fees, etc. after that unpleasant surprise, i may be able to coerce her into taking me to the mall or something, just to further delay coming home. then, uh, come back, i guess.

so, a lot of you already know my relationship status. chris and i are basically on a "break", however the fuck you'd like to define that. it feels awkward, uncomfortable, and simply said, hurts really bad. regardless of how genuinely divine the reason or excuse may be, i always get fucking shitted in the end and it's such a fucking heartache when you give so much, give up and sacrifice so much, gradually build up to something wonderful, just to have all the effort go to fucking waste. ahhh, what a stab in the back. soon enough i'll be forgotten and easily replaced, for sure. that's already been proven to me. but, it's going to be difficult to adjust to a phantom now, when everything i see, everything i hear, everything i feel, everything i breath is him, but ... somehow i'll manage, somehow.

well, anybody wanting to hang out for a while, let me know. i need to get the fuck away from this place.

Fri, 14 May 2004 23:49:15 GMT

i think i mentioned this a few posts back, but i cut my hair and i just can't stop the cutting! there's not a day where i won't find a damn flawed spot on my hair and not tempted to correct it. but, uh, i think i'll ease back on that for a while. it's just, man, hair is so much fun to experiment with, ha.

here are several silly and oh-so sensual pictures:

i think before i put the cutting to a halt, i may cut it a little shorter on the back. then, the end!

anyway, it seems like my weekend will be dull and i need to get out for distraction. hrm, i'm in the mood for some comotion and inebriation, yesss. who wants to take me out?

har, har.

Fri, 14 May 2004 15:19:50 GMT

i'm unusually up early, without the assistance of clock alarms or any of those silly gadgets. it was done all naturally this morning!

anyway, i'm going to take advantage of my morning by working on my art projects. i have two i'll focus on, which are my pastel series. similar to the prior photo assignment, i had to chose a piece by a 20th century artist, copy it in pastel, and then do a second piece of my own self portrait in that artist's style. so, having said that, i chose an expressionist named egon schiele, whose work is bad-assed. here's a glimpse of one of his pieces:

he works alot with nudity and eroticism, his figures engaging in some sort of sexual act the majority of the time. hot damn! so, i'm excited to see how sexy my self-portrait will turn out, har, har.

hrm, i think this afternoon i may be going to my aunt's husband's parents' 40th anniversary celebration, which should prove to be fun ... somehow. well, i can't complain about the food, since it'll be free and i can binge! yeah, that's my entertainment, watchin' my middle section gradually expand. sal, don't you dare call me chunky nuts again!

hopefully, today i won't feel so down. a few of you know why i've been in a depressed rut the few couple of days, and if your inquiring minds are dying to know, just ask, but ... i'm trying to not let go of the small amount of faith i'm stubbornly holding onto. i'm not letting go, and i hope you don't either.

i miss you.

Thu, 13 May 2004 19:52:14 GMT

upon my mom's constant insistence for me to register for summer classes, i finally did it this morning. i thought the originally date to start registering was on the 11th, but SAL told me it was on the 13th, so i waited around. my mom scolded me after realizing that it really wasn't on the 13th. damn you, sal! anyhow, this is what my schedule consists of:

JUNE 14 - JULY 23

ASTRONOMY 1
monday - thursday
7:30 - 9:40

ENGLISH 1A [the one i dropped previously, ha]
monday - thursday
10 - 1pm

ART APPRECIATION [the one i failed previously, double ha]
monday - thursday
1:30 - 3:40

so, as you can see, it's a full day. that's what i was aiming for. if i can't find a job during the summer, may as well fill up the days with some useful studying and not be fucking shitted on everday by my parents, ha. that seems like the best plan.

i got an interesting e-mail yesterday by the guy, israel, whom i had chatted with on msn messenger the other day. it seems like he's taken the entire art exposition idea more seriously than i have. that day, he printed out all of the art work i sent him and showed it to the coordinator of the house of culture and he liked it a lot, so much that the both of them want to organize not only an expo for me, but also a conference where i'd have to speak in front of a class of drawing and painting students. how insane! i'm terrified of public speaking, so that would be one huge obstacle to overcome. i had thought that the major obstacle would've been transportation, etc., but apparently they're trying to find a sponsor to pay for my airfare, my hotel, food, accomodations, everything! that's even more insane! i don't know whether i'd be a fool for jumping into unfamiliar terrain, or even more of a fool for passing up such a wonderful opportunity.

hrm, i should really, really be working on my art assignments, though. i have a handful to finish and turn in by next wednesday, our last class meeting, and also study for the accumalative final in art history comin' up soon. ahhh!

oh, yeah, i absolutely can not forget to mention that i still haven't recieved chris' package yet aaand i never will by the looks of it! speaking of chris, i hope you feel a lot better, cookie. i know, it's "easier said than done", but what you want to get done depends on how much you want it and how hard you work for it. always bear that in mind ...

what an accomplished day!

[edit: yet again i've recieved another e-mail comfirming that he'll set the plans in motion as soon as possible. all i've got to worry about is preparing the conference and, oh, coming! man, i don't feel prepared to be doing any of this ... fuck!]

Tue, 11 May 2004 03:03:19 GMT

earlier in the afternoon i was chatting on msn messenger, which is a rare occurence. i accidentally signed onto roxy's screen name, since she was the last one to use my internet. anyhow, a nice gentleman she knows IM'ed "her", quickly discovering it really wasn't her, but an interesting conversation ensued regardless. he's twenty eight, from mexico, owner of a soccer team [he'll be touring with his team in germany, spain, then returing to los angeles], a disk jockey at a radio station, a publicity agent and, man, what a professional guy! anyhow, he must've taken a strong liking for me because after i showed him my art pieces, he couldn't stop exclaiming how impressed he was. in fact, he offered to organize an art show down in his city for my stuff. man, that's so insane ... i have no idea how that'd actualize, but i'll definitely bear his offer in mind.

hrm, i wonder why roxy hasn't called back. we were supposed to go out for a walk, to kind of keep our fat asses in shape. maybe my mom and i annoyed her with our chitter-chatter, ha. she leaves back to los angeles tomorrow night, though. i won't see her for, who knows, a few months at a stretch now. that's saddening. her home is being completed sometime in late july, early august, which already looks bad assed! it's damn huge! she invited me to visit her once it's finished, so i may not have to wait too long to see her once again.

i mentioned in the last post how i was supposed to recieve chris' care package today. well, i still haven't! that pisses me off. it shouldn't take this ridiculously long. when i sent him mine, he recieved it on the fourth day.

jeez, i hope it's not fucking lost ...

Mon, 10 May 2004 17:17:47 GMT

so, i'm at the college library right now, ditching my first class. what a bad girl i am! my mom didn't get back from wal-mart until 9:15, already making me fifteen minutes late. as we're about to leave the neighborhood, she decides to drop off some blank video tapes for roxy to copy her wedding video, but that proved to be fatal for my tardiness 'cause she engaged in a lengthy 20 minutes conversation. godamn, man. so, i don't get to school until an hour later, at which point i figured, "fuck it". so, yeah. hopefully, the teacher won't catch me wandering around like last time ... ha.

anyhow, i cut more of my hair off yesterday, which was risque to say the least, but a radical change! well, kind of. perhaps i'll post a few pictures if i take any.

um, the first art piece i was working on of chris is entirely finished. in fact, it'll be in the student show coming up, along with the fantasy nude woman i posted a few days ago. during critique, i got real good responses. the teacher thought it was "beautifully executed" and i certainly have the potential to get into an art school. i haven't finished the second piece to the series, though. it's about a month overdue now, i believe. i'm already living up to my infamous high school reputation of never completing work or turning it in extremely late. i need to be rid of this bad habit, quick!

hrm, i should be expecting chris' care package in the mail today. it's been a fucking week already since he sent it, ridiculously long. mine only took four days to reach him. i'll make sure to post pictures of goodies he sent me for those who care to see!

by the way, i'm appreciative of the overwhelming response i recieved on my last post involving my art piece. yeah, take a look ... sense my sarcasm now? fucking comment, you mindless fucks!

Thu, 06 May 2004 21:00:46 GMT

i finished the piece below today. i had the sketch of the face in my sketchbook for the longest time, neglected it, but i figured i'd actually complete it to use as one of my two pieces i'll be entering for the art gallery.

it's watercolor, ink, and colored pencil. there are a few bumps that are slightly visible [due to the watercolor] and the reflection of graphite in a few spots. i experimented with the exposure and saturation on my computer, so the actual version isn't as bright.

anyway, leave me critiques and stuff.

[edit: i really wasn't liking the dullness of the original, so i printed out the saturated version and re-touched it with ink and color pencil. compare the two.]

Tue, 04 May 2004 00:13:27 GMT

so, as chris informed all of you, my internet will be down for a while. i contracted a virus called sasser on friday and i planned to download the patch today at the school library, which i tried, but the disk wasn't big enough for the application, damn it! so, i don't know what i'm going to do now ... maybe go out to staples and find a disk larger than 2mb? man, i don't fucking know, but it sure does suck.

anyway, um, the last post i made was made during a state of anger and confusion. i jumped to conclusions to readily and made some strong statements of dislike that i'll now ask for you all to delete from your memory and just keep this in your mind instead: yesenia loves chris, yesenia loves chris ... ha. i'll try to not make stupid assumptions like these again, but it's kind of difficult not to having had a bad history of being decieved and what not. like i said, though, i'll try!

well, i should be off studying five trays of 40+ slides each for a major art history exam i have wednesday afternoon, so i think i'll preoccupy myself with that now, ha.

ciao.

Update

Sun, 02 May 2004 06:16:16 GMT

Hey guys, this is Chris, Yesenia asked me to give the status. Right now, her internet is down and she can't get online, so on Monday she may have a chance... So, unfortunately, you'll have to wait until then. Also, disregard the last post, she misunderstood something I said on the Harvey Danger board. For those who don't believe me, u can e-mail me at myhardcoreheart@yahoo.com. So, yeah thats it. Much love from Yesenia to all of you guys and to those who believe me... I would never hurt Yesenia ever again. Bye

Chris

P.S.-Post

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 21:51:29 GMT

right now, everything has fallen apart and i'm hurting immensely. my heart is vacant yet again. this time, this time for fucking sure ... i'm not wasting my time any longer ...

the more i think about it, the faster and deeper the blow comes. i can't stop shaking.

i hate you right now. and by "you", you'll know who soon, if you're not stupid enough.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 02:52:31 GMT

in commemoration of my prom, which took place exactly a year and one day ago, i'll post some silly pictures of me, my date, and friends.

my face lookin' like a stuffed muffin.

a flattering close up!

roxy with her date, billy.

moses!

semi-group photo.

entire group photo: billy, roxy, me, john, jon, megan, wyatt and his date named ashley, i think.

inside wyatt's house.

looking pitifully retarded.

another close up!

roxy and i ... sigh, how i miss her.

chatting at an expensive italian restaurant.

me and moses, trying to look sexy.

john, with my good ol' buddy matt.

roxy and billy again.

jessica, with her date/boyfriend johnny.

donny and his date, whatever her name was.

so, there you have it. today has been a very nostalgic day, which in a way makes me feel wonderful of having such great memories, but makes me miss the ones i could've had with people whom i've grown distant with or are no longer around.

by the way, i'm thinking about you, chris. i miss you and i love you.

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 05:40:23 GMT

chris finally has a new computer! yes! with functional internet! yes! and i'm talking to him online right now! yes! and he has his webcam online! um, no ... his friend can't find the software, but by tomorrow he ought to have it all set up! yes!

my, i'm so excited ...

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 07:14:47 GMT

my happiness is restored, yet again!

chris finally came back home from his trip this afternoon. we talked for a few minutes then, but he called several hours later after his nap and had a longer, better conversation. a few things he informed me about tonight were:

- he finally had his latest roll of film developed. it's about freakin' time! i've been patiently waiting nearly a month for this to happen, ha. they're all basically shots of him, which i'm entirely fine with. in fact, all i want are of his. i'll make sure to post 'em once i recieve them.

- the latest songs he's written are so sweet-assed, if he's able to he may record a few tomorrow and send me a copy, along with the lyrics. he has such a beautiful voice and has the ability to play the guitar well, i love it. i'm eager to have it all on tape, ha.

so, i'm highly anticipating this next love package. i'm anxious to have all of his wonderful creations within my grasp, absorb it all, and sit back with a satisfied smile on my face, feeling proud of what an amazing person i have to love.

i can't fuckin' wait.

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:12:34 GMT

i'm all alone and lonely at the house with nothing or anybody to console me.

sigh, eh.

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 06:13:37 GMT

the show tonight was boring, partly due to my lack of interest, moodiness and also because, well, i wasn't liking the sound much tonight.

anyway, i'm off to talk to chris on the phone, but before i go i have one last statement to make:

kyle, you are a fucking psycho!

that is all, folks.

[edit: well, i guess i'll not be talking to chris tonight. apparently, he's too busy watching a movie to talk for a bit. huh, perfect! now i'm wholly upset and want to rip a hole through a wall, or a table ... or maybe i ought to shut the fuck up and just sleep the anger off, ha.]

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:43:01 GMT

so, there's a show tonight at the youth center for five dollars with the following bands: the divine romance, beautiful and broken, prescription, andy and i, and e.so.

it looks like i'll be going. who else is?

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 07:22:33 GMT

i ought to be in bed right now, but i was compelled to unveil a preview of a project i started tackling yesterday, due monday, ha.

so, as you can see, the subject matter is chris. i completed his face during the few hours that i worked on it yesterday, and i have a lot more work to finish. keep in mind it's on large paper, 18 x 24, so it'll be a long trek. i still have a second one to finish as well [by monday], ha. procrastination at its best, folks.

man, i miss chris already. it's been an hour since i got off the phone from talking to him, but regardless, he's gone. i want him here so badly, but it goes beyond a mere want: i need him. with him in company, everything boring and routine will be exciting and new because it'll be a different experience with the both of us together. i can't stress enough how much i care for him as a human being, an individual, as my boyfriend, my love.

fuck this stupid distance shit, damn it to the bottomless pit of hell!

[edit: so far, i'm happy with the progess i'm making on the project. i really like the contrast between the darks of the shading and white of the paper. chris is lookin' damn mighty fine! ha.]

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 19:50:07 GMT

i'm too lazy to type out all the fun i had on my trip this past weekend, so instead i'll post a picture of the newlyweds for now.

ain't she just so darn beautiful? i miss her.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 21:38:38 GMT

busy days behind and plenty more ahead.

the past week i've been gathering job applications from various businesses around yuba city, filling 'em out, and returning them. man, job seeking is such a hassle and it's especially nervewracking when my mom comes along for the quest. she just spews out words of negativity and criticism which becomes unbearable at times. i've come to find out that selective hearing doesn't work 100 percent of the time, unfortunately.

last night i was at my best friend's bridal shower/farewell party and it was a fun time. i saw many familiar faces, was re-accqainted with old friends, and ate delicious food, ha. the games were silly, yet fun, but the last one we played was the most touching and heartwarming of them all. it involved: sitting in a circle around the bride and passing along a spindle of thread. each person had to cut their piece of thread at their desired length as the passing continued. nobody had a clue what was going to take place, so many of the girls, thinking it'd be humorous, cut long, lengthy pieces. after that was completed, the person in charge finally revealed that the length of each person's thread equaled the length of their speech they were about to give to the bride in front of the entire crowd, on camera. by joining the ends together and dividing it in half, each would proceed with a sentence or two, then continue dividing the thread into halves until it was impossible to continue. that would mark the end of their speech. initially, i was freaked out 'cause i hate being on the spot. but, i saw the tears of many women and their heartfelt wishes and it made me realize that this would be my ultimate chance to push my shyness aside and tell my best friend how much i loved her. it was a meaningful, beautiful moment.

on the same note, i'll be leaving to los angeles in about fourteen hours, early in the morning. i'm excited for the trip down south, but even more importantly, roxy's wedding. i won't be back until sometime late monday afternoon.

oh, yeah, and i can't forget to mention that i've finally been able to talk to chris comfortably the past couple of nights. i'm so glad we have because it's such a killer when we don't communicate. we were jokingly proposing the idea of asking his dad to lend him some money to fly me down there for his school's prom, ha. i doubt it would work, though. anyhow, he's already made it clear to me that he doesn't want to go unless it's with me, so that keeps me at ease. naturally, it would make me extremely upset and jealous if he had a date to prom, regardless of which girl it is. i simply wouldn't allow it, ha. so, i told him i prefer he not go.

anyway, i have a stupid cover letter to tend to that i probably won't finish, so i'll depart now.

also, comment and e-mail me during my abcense. that would be appreciated, :)